When Life Changed in One Split Second
“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” -Elizabeth Stone
It's been quiet over here because I've been connecting with our daughter- yes, our daughter! I want to savor every last second with her, fielding the curious well wishes from neighbors and cooked meals from my mother-in-law, they say “Genieß die Zeit!” here in Germany… enjoy the time!
Which is what I'm trying to do. Sia came early, unannounced on the first of August, a blue moon weekend. Astrologists say it's rare, the tea leaves and palm readers consummating her arrival, but what do I know.
And there she was in a quiet Krankenhaus, more a famished little woodland creature than a human, attaching herself to my breast like a snapping turtle and is now my responsibility... how is that even possible?
In one split second, life is different. Goodbye spontaneous trysts to the Biergarten with Michael, surfing the web and traipsing through off-the-grid provinces in the South Pacific. At least for now.
I'm in awe of her, how she looks nothing like me and everything like my husband, how I love that about her. The smell of her sweet baby head, her mod hairstyle, her tiny lashes and dry skin from the long journey. She is already her own person.
When a baby is born in the Maasai tribe of Kenya, the midwives whisper in her ear, "You are responsible for your life as I am for mine."
I have an open suture in my heart, as if all of the planet's catapulting forces are circling furiously, waiting to dive down like a flock of cormorants and push my life back to normal. As if nothing ever happened. But inside our home, all is still. Can it be still like this forever?
So this is it. This is motherhood. She will be one of the greatest teachers in my life.
I’m still too close to it to have a perspective. Maybe I don’t want a perspective. Because I just want to be in it now, with her, with Michael. Because we will never have this moment again!